Making important decisions

So, as I have been pretty transparent about over the last several weeks, it has been a bit of a struggle for me to get out there, run, log the miles that I need and want to log to be successful in Toledo running the Glass City and nailing that BQ time. I mean, yes, it would only be my second attempt, so it is not as if I can call it elusive, and yes, I likely would have come close, but my heart is just not in it.

So yesterday, I officially dropped to the half. I think I can run under a 1:45, and potentially (based on recent race times) come close to a 1:40. But I am setting the goal at 1:45. I am really going to attempt to favor fun over really serious goals, as it has been too long since I have really had fun.

All of this kind of falls into place with the strides I have been making in therapy. Focus on myself is not something I have ever done. While it may seem partially selfish, I know that in the long run, being happier myself is something that is going to truly be beneficial, especially to Addie, in the long run. But right now, it is a little painful, as I am second guessing just about every decision that I am making.

So despite the fact that I am a little disappointed in myself for not manning up and getting the BQ, it was not fun for me. I was not enjoying running. In fact, I was dreading the thought of easy paced 4-5 mile runs, simply because they were something that I "had" to do. Since I mentally made the decision to step back, not put pressure on myself to do something that I truly was not feeling like doing, I have started to feel better, happier, about not only logging miles, but about working out in general. Three times over the past week, I went to the gym and I lifted. I lifted HEAVY weights like I used to, and it felt great.

Although this last 6 months when I have been seeing Amy weekly (well, most weeks) have been really tough. Therapy has not been easy for me this go round, but I also know that I am making more progress than I ever have previously. There have been insights that I have reached on my own, some that Amy has helped me with, and I feel like we are continuing to move forward constantly. I struggle, I cry, I wonder why I am tearing my insides up, and then... there is a little bit of peace. That peace is what makes me keep going and keep trying to make changes in my life.

But I am going to keep going. I am going to keep working and trying to figure out my life. Thank goodness I have love and support.

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