Another day to try and figure it out…

I received a comment yesterday that I never seemed happy whenever I talked about the competition.  You might be right…  I don’t know.  It felt like something I needed to do for me to prove to myself that I COULD do it, that I am that strong. 

I think competing is MORE about the physique that I wish to obtain and be known for, and less about actually competing.  It is more about being a visible winner, when I really haven’t ever been a winner before.  I mean, I think that the whole thing is that I want to be great at something.  I have honestly always been “fair” to “good” at a lot of things.  And since I love fitness and health so much, I thought that maybe I could be great. 

I feel like everyone has something that they are great at, and for me, it can’t just be drinking coffee.  I have to be great at something OTHER than that, right?

At least that is how I am feeling and also what I have been hoping for over the last several months.  Ok, several years.  I have struggled with ME as a person and who I am and what I want out of life.  I mean, its everything about me.  My career, my relationships, everything.  I guess in 2011 I have made strides toward the right things for me.  I got married to the person who is better suited for me than I ever thought ANYONE could be.  That’s something.  That is the life progress that I have made this year, I guess.

So I am spending this week not going crazy in my food choices or anything, but trying to find that balance.  I know HOW to eat healthy, its just that I have been over the top for so long, it is just crazy!  If I can figure out how to just eat good whole foods and enjoy them, the deprivation feeling will go, I think.  If I can like them and feel happy with what I am eating then I won’t have to worry about it anymore.  I will just naturally make the right choices. 

That’s my goal, that’s my hope.  Will I compete someday?  I like to think yes.  I feel like I need and want that validation that I am good enough. 

One SMALL goal – I am going to do the 30 day shred.  For 30 days.  In a row.  I haven’t done that before.  And I definitely have 20 minutes per day to dedicate to that little workout.  I am starting that on October 1.  Here we go!