Another day to try and figure it out…
I received a comment yesterday that I never seemed happy whenever I talked about the competition. You might be right… I don’t know. It felt like something I needed to do for me to prove to myself that I COULD do it, that I am that strong.
I think competing is MORE about the physique that I wish to obtain and be known for, and less about actually competing. It is more about being a visible winner, when I really haven’t ever been a winner before. I mean, I think that the whole thing is that I want to be great at something. I have honestly always been “fair” to “good” at a lot of things. And since I love fitness and health so much, I thought that maybe I could be great.
I feel like everyone has something that they are great at, and for me, it can’t just be drinking coffee. I have to be great at something OTHER than that, right?
At least that is how I am feeling and also what I have been hoping for over the last several months. Ok, several years. I have struggled with ME as a person and who I am and what I want out of life. I mean, its everything about me. My career, my relationships, everything. I guess in 2011 I have made strides toward the right things for me. I got married to the person who is better suited for me than I ever thought ANYONE could be. That’s something. That is the life progress that I have made this year, I guess.
So I am spending this week not going crazy in my food choices or anything, but trying to find that balance. I know HOW to eat healthy, its just that I have been over the top for so long, it is just crazy! If I can figure out how to just eat good whole foods and enjoy them, the deprivation feeling will go, I think. If I can like them and feel happy with what I am eating then I won’t have to worry about it anymore. I will just naturally make the right choices.
That’s my goal, that’s my hope. Will I compete someday? I like to think yes. I feel like I need and want that validation that I am good enough.
One SMALL goal – I am going to do the 30 day shred. For 30 days. In a row. I haven’t done that before. And I definitely have 20 minutes per day to dedicate to that little workout. I am starting that on October 1. Here we go!