Recognition of Negative Nancy - AKA Emily

I know that a lot of folks commented that maybe I was a little bit hard on myself and I definitely DID NOT fail, however, I am in mega-comp-prep mode, so I really need to hammer it out. I am really making a HUGE effort to work on this clean eats thing, so I want to have major success here. Plus I eat 1 tbsp of nut butter per day, which is probably not the greatest choice, but I LOVE it, and consider that to be my "within the rules daily cheat". I usually go peanut butter (its my absolute fave) but I have been working on slowly switching it - at least a few days per week! - to almond butter. I have some from Trader Joe's in the fridge now!

So while, yes, I beat myself up over the brownie, I do have some big time goals ahead of me over the next few months, as well as someone watching my every move (who also tells me not to beat myself up so much!) and making sure that I am following my plan to get good results. For someone who has always been in good shape and never been overweight (EVER!) I sure have a TON of work to do to be in competition shape. I kind of feel like a loser because I don't "look" the part of a fitness/bikini competitor yet, and it is only 121 days away! Yes, 121 days is a REALLY long time, but some of my other Belles of Steel teammates look so amazing at 11 weeks out. :( I feel like I am not working as hard or maybe I am not in as good of shape as they are. Maybe I shouldn't have joined a "team". Maybe after this comp I will just hang out for a while and give it a go on my own. I don't know.

I like Joe, and I like having someone to constantly keep an eye on me. He says all the time that my food logs are CLOSE to PERFECT. But then why aren't I developing the way that the other girls are? And yes, I am in a negative place right now, and YES I am beating myself up again.

I see that, I recognize it, and I am moving on.

Last night after working for 9.5 hours (since it was a HIIT day, I didn't have a lunchtime workout, so I just worked right on through!) I went home and let the dogs out and watered my flowers. I really need to get a handle on that gardening thing. I suck at it. I have a big hydrangea that desperately needs to go INTO the ground (its still in its pot that my mom brought it to me in). And every day it sits out in the hot sun and gets a little wilty. :-( I love my plant, but I apparently suck at taking care of it. I know that I need to get it in the ground, and hopefully that helps. I think a HUGE part of the problem is that it is in the SUN all day. I think it needs a shady place to be planted, maybe?

The dogs and I hung out and watched TV for a little while. You would think with an exam coming up on Saturday morning I would be studying, but apparently, I am MEGA-LAZY or something. Lol. I don't know. My motivation for the whole CPA thing is lacking right now. But yeah, watched a few old episodes of Raymond and a little King of Queens too (J and I have Carrie and Doug moments all the time. We'll be watching the show and all of a sudden Doug will do something, I will look at J and we will both practically DIE laughing because he has done that ridiculous thing before!)

Apparently motivation is just lacking in my life overall right now. I really do not feel like being at work right now, I just want to kind of goof off, reading and writing here, and maybe take a nap. I SHOULD be studying but I am at work, so that isn't happening. Lol.

Anyway - back to last night. J got home right around 7 pm. He quickly changed into the shorts and golf shirt that I brought down for him, and we hit the road. We had made plans to meet up with Jess and Mike for dinner. Yep! They are back from their honeymoon and had not returned to Atlanta yet, so we met up with them at Champps for dinner.

Now, if I was the all-star blogger that I want to be, I would now be posting a picture of the two of them smiling at me from across the table, and then maybe some kind of arty shot of J's beer on an angle of some kind. But I am just working on getting to that point, so I didn't bring my camera with me. Boo. So no good dinner photos.

We met them right around 7:30 and didn't leave until close to 10. We were pretty much the only folks left in the restaurant when we left. Oops. I always feel a little bit guilty when I do that (shut a restaurant down). But I made good (logged) choices while I was there. So I am proud of myself for that. However, I did drink a few diet cokes. I had originally planned on having a glass of wine, but swapped those carbs for something else, so diet coke it was. Should have just had water, but eh, at least my calorie/macro intake was not affected. But I am going to work hard to break that habit, because it might be causing some bloat, I would think. Here's a little proof! So big goal of the day is to NOT have any diet coke. I was going with the "one is ok" mindset, but I have changed my mind. 1 starts a landslide. So we're going with zero.

After we got home we turned on "Chopped" because that is our favorite show! I fell asleep before the end, and got up early in the morning, pulled on my workout stuff, grabbed my garmin, and hit the road. First run since the 10K on Saturday. It felt so good and I hammered out 4.6 miles in 43:44. Not race pace, but hey, it never is.

Happy Thursday! Yes, I do know that the day is almost over, but I am going to write again tomorrow! :-)


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