Emily is...

whiney. bitchy. overwhelmed. stressed. underfed (not today, but overall!). sleepless. And in a BAD way right now.

I am having a bad bad night. I was doing so well during the day today, and now I feel like I fat cow. I know I know, I shouldn't talk so bad about myself. It is just that I had dinner ALL PLANNED out. And I even cooked what I planned. However, I also ate 5 fortune cookies (please see facebook for my rockin' fortune though!), a boatload of banana chips, and three spoonfuls of ice cream (BIG spoonfuls). Yes, this doesn't sound too awful. I understand that. But this is also AFTER bws on Monday night where I outright made up what I ate so I could eat whatever and tell my coach I was ON macro. God, I am WASTING my money here, aren't I?

I am drinking diet coke like a fanatic. I had almost cut it out completely a few weeks back, and now my desire to drink it ALL THE TIME is back with a vengence. I had 4 today! 4! That is just outta control ridiculous. I had 2 diet cokes, a diet pepsi (at lunch) and a cherry coke zero. WTF? I am so andgry and frustrated with myself for allowing this to happen.

I am stressed out about the wedding. I hate "maintenance" calories. I want a day where I can simply drink protein shakes and eat apples and that is ALL, just to feel better about myself and my willpower. Or protein shakes and wine. Hmmm... Lol. Maybe I am torturing myself. Well, I know I am. And I know that eating that way is not correct in ANY way. Not anymore. But I still am kind of craving it. I know that I cannot build muscle and get stronger and get that bikini model look eating like that, but damn it, I feel so helpless and weak at the moment.

And I am trying to study for my exam. In fact, I am supposed to be studying but instead I am blogging. Studying is not going well, in case you were wondering. I don't have focus. And then, because of that, I start answering questions wrong. And because of that, I lose even MORE focus. Its a horrible horrible cycle that I am presently caught up in. And I am so nervous about not passing this time. I have taken this particular section 2 other times and have not managed to pass. So I am trying REALLY hard this time. J says I am trying too hard and focusing too much on each individual question. But I think that is because I didn't try hard enough those other times.

Part of me is just willing to go with and stick to the "shitty test taker" theory. I know that I might be one. The tests are too long for me. I get bored after like a half hour, lose focus, and then I cannot regain it enough to sit through a 4 hour exam. Hell, I just did two more questions and then had to come back to this!

Today at lunch, Tom asked me what I am doing. Meaning, in November, my contest will be over, hopefully the exam will be over, and I'll be married. Then what am I going to do to occupy my time. Honestly, I was stumped. I mean, maybe I will compete again, but honestly I am not sure. Hell, as of now, I am not sure I am going to compete at all! The show I picked is less than 6 months away and there is not even any additional information available yet outside of the date of the show and the fact that it is in Louisville! How frustrated am I?

Actually - I just checked out the facebook page. Apparently the website will be updated very soon. Thank goodness. I was really starting to freak!

Anyway - he's right. I don't know what happens after all of these things are done. Is that an underlying "fail your exam" thing that is going on? God, I hope not. I need this. I need to pass one of these exams so I feel like I can actually do it. I have been "an accountant" for 6 years now, and have VERY little to actually show for it. Part of me doesn't even care, but the other part of me, the part that hates the fact that she is J's simple life who just goes on day to day trying to stay as happy as possible and look at the bright side, lalala, etc etc, needs some kind of career justification and as an accountant, this is it! Being a CPA is where its at.

I needed to stop the studying for the night. It was just getting overwhelming. I think that I have learned that when I am not doing well at it, I just need to stop and walk away.

How come right now lists are not helping me? Normally it is the lists that keep me sane and make me feel like I have everything together. For some reason, right now, they are not working. I still feel overwhelmed by all of the wedding things that need to be done. I am overwhelmed trying to figure out how far I am going to run tomorrow morning. I am overwhelmed with the fact that I would like to be at the gym for 2 hours over lunch tomorrow rather than just one hour. I want to do a half hour of simply ab work.

I want to take a deep breath and just KNOW that everything that happens is for some reason (that I am still trying to learn) and that it WILL all be ok in the long run.

*deep breath* now GO.

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