The desire to be something greater has been affecting me fairly often lately. Not sure where it is coming from, at least not completely. I think it does come a little bit from the fact that I have always been pretty good at a lot of things, and really good at nothing. And so I really want to figure out what that "really good" thing is going to be for me.

I think that is why I am testing myself with the diet and the workouts. So i can try and see if maybe that is something that I can be really good at. I certainly have not found it yet with the diet. I hate dieting is the concensus so far. I know I probably should not be calling it a "diet" but I am still in the mindset that this is not permanant. I guess it should be. I should eat like this and just have a cheat meal out or whatever once per week. That should truly be my attitude about it going forward. And as I become a better cook, which I am really trying for, I think that will be easier.

Whenever I try and modify a recipe that is normally something that J would like to eat, that is when I feel the most satisfied after a meal. So I guess I need to keep doing that. They always seem to turn out pretty yummy. And maybe I should also really examine that Cooking Light magazine that I subscribe to and make more of the recipes out of there.

Trouble is, so often those recipes can be focussed around shellfish. They are good for you. Low in calories and fat, blah blah blah. And of course, they are off limits for emily. I cannot be eating the shellfish. Allergies. So I have to dig for the non-shellfish recipes.

I wish that magazine was NOTHING BUT recipes. That would make me a very happy girl.

Okay, I am tired. Going to end this here and head up to bed. I am going to dream of desire and drive tonight. One day soon it is going to hit me that this is working and that I AM great at something. At least, I am feeling really hopeful that it happens and happens soon!


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