No word on Jason's job yet. I have been holding onto my "worry stone" and wishing I had my "believe" necklace (I left it at my mom's house the last time I was there). Something (anything!) about luck.

Friday I am headed to Toledo. I cannot wait, because it is time for our annual girls in Frankenmuth trip. I love going there. It has not been determined yet if Jason is coming to Toledo with me or not, but because I will not be around at all on Saturday (that's when we are going) I am not sure that I really care a whole lot.

So the trip is my mom, my sister, my Aunt Laurie, my cousin Megan, and myself. We were actually able to plan it a little bit in advance this year, which is pretty unusual for us, and it has managed to not fall apart, which is a HUGE deal. We tend to suck at plans as a general rule.

I am starting to work myself into a panic. That is bad. Of course it is all about Jason and the things that are going on there. The job, etc. I have to stop, I have to stop, I have to calm down. Breathe, Em, breathe.

I have to get a handle on myself. I sound ridiculous. I sound obsessed. I am over being "that girl". I have done so well for the last few months at leaving that crazy part of me behind. I have to keep it up. I have to forget the drama of our past, forget the potential drama of our future, and keep living my life. I want to be a successful life-liver. Hell, I want to be a success in general. I want to be successful in everything that I do.

Wow. This is starting to sound a little bit mania driven, and I had been able to break away from that for a while. So it is a little bit stressful that I have been doing well for a while, and then something that MIGHT happen is very traumatic for me, and it is really throwing me off. It is stressing me out, making my heart race, and making me want to cry almost all the time. I really hate these things. I hate living with everything up in the air.

I know it has only been six months since we got back together. I know it has only been a year since we started seeing each other in the first place, but the thing is, it HAS to be going somewhere because damn it, if it wasn't, why would we be back together after everything that we have been through. Life for the two of us in a relationship has been so stressful that I have once in a while questioned what I was doing with him, why was I still with him, or why was I waiting for him to figure it out.

And here, in some small way, he seems to have figured it out. At least, he appears to be on his way to realizing that he needs to not screw this up. We have been screwed up way too many times to make this work anymore if things get messed up again. That is a decision that I have already made. I will not be getting back together with him again if we break up. If we break up this time, it is over.

God. Why am I talking like that? Why am I even thinking that way? It is most likely because I am in such a state over this moving, etc. I am just stressed out. I want to go for a run, right now. God damn it.


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