I feel like it has been quite a while since I wrote anything of substance here. Its just been hard. I have been updating my blogger account when I am feeling panicky - I created that one simply for the racing and ridiculous run-on sentences that spring into my mind when I feel like I am going to panic. I just know that those things are ridiculous to read when I am not in that strange state of mental distress, so I would hate for anyone else to read it. It has been a really good outlet for me over the last few months. It has helped me from getting into a screaming/yelling/crying state that has seemed to very often accompany my feelings in that time.

So yeah, that has been getting some of my substance entries as well.

Nothing yet on the potential move, other than the fact that he will be interviewing there on October 16. I am not a fan. Everyone, I vote no on this issue. Sigh. Its not my choice, however. I have made my opinion known, and loudly, when it comes up, but generally I have been attempting to keep my mouth shut, even though it is difficult. I just want things to work out.

I am thrilled to know that we are going to do the long distance thing. I am happy that he thinks of me when we're apart. He'll send flowers to my office (psst... I got flowers at the office last week!) But still, I guess where I am stressing is how far forward can you move when you are apart. I am 26. That is nothing to sneeze at. But because I am 26, I am no longer interested in relationships that are going no where. I don't feel like we are going nowhere, but at the same time, won't it be hard to go somewhere when we're so far apart for a while? I guess the thing is, I will have to mention this.

I feel like at some point, if things are still going well, I am going to have to move. I have no idea when, but I especially have no idea how to bring this up. We are going to have to be ready to live together at that point. I certainly will not be able to afford a place of my own at that point, because I would have to leave my job, at least on some kind of leave of absence (if they would let me do that!) and I could not make enough money as a waitress or bartender to completely support myself. He will be making PLENTY of money if he gets this job though, so as long as we can work it out, I am not too worried. He would help me, I would like to think.

But that is beside the point right now. I don't even know how to tell him what I am thinking about this right now. I mean, it is probably one of those things that will just happen naturally, and I probably shouldn't bring it up because he is the man who freaks out over things. *sigh* That makes me crazy. I guess eventually (hopefully) he'll get through that and get over it, but I am not sure how long that will take.

We're off to Kansas City this weekend. I will be meeting his Uncle Tim for the first time. I am not sure if this is a big thing or not. I mean, several girlfriends have met him, I think, but he has been telling me for the last year that Tim wanted to meet me because I am pretty special. Jen, Amanda and I are the only girlfriends who have been in this situation though where we go out there and spend time with the family. Well, Jocelyn probably, but she is the ex-wife! And her situation is a completely different game, I think.

The whole thing is stressing me out. I am once again to that point where I want to know what is going on and what is going to happen. I know, I know. No one knows the answers to those things right now. I don't, Jason probably doesn't. But in my head, I really want to save myself a lot of long-term heartache if this is not the right thing. I mean, I told Shannon just yesterday (see? I am trying really hard to make friends in this show!) that, yes, I do think he is the one. And after all that we have been through, there must be some kind of very important reason that we keep coming back to each other, over and over again. Right? Does anyone else out there see that the way that I do? (Yes, I am seeking reassurance that I am not being stupid with all of this.)

This is the majority of my life right now. Jason and rehearsals. That is about it. I try and see him as often as possible. Especially because I am not sure how often he is going to be around if he gets this job. I have no idea how often I will get to see him. It is very stressful and worrisome that things might change for us just when things are getting back to normal. I know that I am in love with him. I also know that I believe he is in the same place that he was a year ago. That he could very easily fall in love with me. Naturally, I have no definitive proof of that, but the way that he has been acting. I think things are different now. Carol said that he seems more stable to her than he has in a long time. Meaning, pretty much since she met him last winter.

God let me talk about something else? Why is this so all consuming? I hope that once we know what is going to happen, if he is going to move, my life will be able to better fall into place where it is supposed to be.


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