Today is a new day. I am not sure where I stand today in my mind as well as in my life and relationship. I think Jason is possibly trying to take some time from communicating with me to see how I react. I am doing my damnest to not freak out about it.

I popped a Xanax this morning, in hopes that it would help calm my nerves. I am trying to be better about my medication all the time, and I am failing relatively often. I sometimes wonder if I was better about that, if I would react better to situations. I also wonder if I should tell Jason that I have been sucking at taking them. I don't want to make myself any excuses, but at the same time, that could certainly have a MAJOR affect on my reactions to things and how I react to him and the situations that we are in.

My mom says it is a vicious circle that we are caught in. She seems to believe that I freak out because I do not necessarily have any stability in my relationship from Jason. (I am sure that is part of the reason, if not all). And then Jason will not give me that stability/security because I freak out, and he isn't sure that he can deal with that forever. Makes sense to me, but of course, then I still don't have the security, so I freak out again and more, which of course further complicates the situation and adds to it.

I just want to be better. To feel better. Help...

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