I swear to God, I'll never understand... How you can stand there straight and tall and see I'm crying and not do anything at all...

Thats a line from one of my favorite musicals, The Last 5 Years. I am not sure it is exactly what I am feeling right now, but sometimes it is definitely exactly where I am, and exactly what I am feeling on any given day.

Things just feel so messed up sometimes. I really hate it. I am one of those people who just gets SO EASILY overwhelmed, and I tend to overreact so much, that things seem to easily fall apart all around me. I take my meds like I am supposed to (at least, mostly) and I try hard to make sure that everything around me is at least in some kind of state where I have a little bit of control over things. Naturally I am never all the way there. I am not sure that I will ever be all the way there. I am not sure if it is possible for someone like me. I hate that. I hate the fact that I have some kind of mental disease that I have zero control over.

Sigh...

Life with bipolar. My other blog that I seem to have forgotten about since November. I am not sure that I really want to re-open it in any way, I am not sure how much I have to say there that I don't already say here. Having somewhere separate to talk about my disease seems as though it might be rather unnecessary at this point. It is all right here, at least lately, so why do I even have that.

Naturally, right now, my thoughts are moving like some terrifically fast slide show through my head, and I can do NOTHING to slow things down. It is an absolute wreck right now, and I am really trying hard to get things to go back to normal. This means more doctors, more medications, and less sleep - at least for now.

My latest medication added to my collection was a sedative. I am supposed to take it about an hour before I go to bed, and it is supposed to help me sleep. Last night was the first time that I took it. I took it around 9:30 (as requested by my doctor), and got in bed around 10:30. I read for a while (maybe a half hour?) and then fell asleep. But for the rest of the night I was up every half hour, feeling like it was time for me to get up! It wasn't, and I finally got out of bed 15 minutes before my alarm was supposed to go off. I should have just gotten up when I woke up at 5:30 and gone to the gym. But I didn't. Lame, on my part.

Oh well. Maybe tomorrow if it happens again? I kind of have my fingers crossed that it does, because I think going to the gym is super helpful to me.

I spent an hour in Maureen's office this morning. She is SO HELPFUL. She really helped me to see some things that I need to get done, as well as give me some perspective. Thank goodness.

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