I can't. I can't function like this for very long. I don't go back to my doctor for a while now. I need something to take the edge off, desperately. I am on a drug that is simply for "maintenance" according to my sheet.

I was completely manic last night, and I was up running around from 12:30 until almost three. I was cleaning, but only kind of cleaning. I am not entirely sure what I got accomplished, only that there was a lot of running done, and all of it was extremely high energy, high intensity work. I did no "real" cleaning. I did not do dishes, I did not run the vacuum, I did not hang my coffee pictures in the kitchen (note to self: this needs to get done soon).

I am just... completely nuts, I think. I am running on empty and running in high gear all at the same time. It is extremely stressful and it really is starting to kill me, I think.

Slowly. I am slowly losing my mind. I am slowly falling apart.

Jason has decided that I need to get well and he needs to get happy before we can even think about being together. I am not sure I know what that means. However, I confronted him about being scared because obviously that is the situation that I am dealing with. Jason freaking out about silly things. Granted, I cannot blame him for not being able to handle my dramatic mood swings. Hell, I cannot handle my dramatic mood swings.

I am going to explode. And yet, it has only been 2 days. Only 2 days out of thirty without a freak out.

I have no clue if I am going to make it.


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