I am having another stressful day. Its not even 9 am yet! I already feel rather overwhelmed with things and what I have to get done. I am super confused about what I am doing with this stupid return that I have been working on for a pretty long time. It is stressful for sure. It just seems like I can not wrap my head around some of the changes that the partner that I am working with made to the return in the last year, which would help me to rollforward the return. I feel like if I could understand why he did what he did, then I could make the changes similarly for the current year, and then I would be good.

I am really feeling strange about things with Jason right now. After all of the nonsense last week (him taking away our physical relationship, etc), last night he really wanted me to come over and cuddle with him. Now I absolutely adore when he holds me close because I feel like there is nothing that could ever be wrong in the world when I am in that position, close to him. And so I really really wanted to go to him last night, to fall asleep comfortably in his arms, and to remember the good times, the times when I thought that there was no way he could ever hurt me.

The times before he did hurt me...


When I look at all of that, I sometimes wonder what the hell I am thinking. Why am I going down this road again? Why am I stuck in this "rut" (or magical place?) where I am completely in love and cannot manage to shake myself of these feelings? Do I even want to? Should I even CONSIDER trying to changing them or letting them go when his entire family thinks we will work out in the end and he will come around eventually.

I mean, I know that he loves me. I know straight up, no question in my mind, nothing, that he loves me. Hell, he might even love me a lot. In fact, I am almost 100% positive that he does love me a lot. But what the eff is he doing, and why does he keep screwing us up?!?


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