He can't go. He can't. He can't. He can't. I feel like things are too good for us, and too good for it to get screwed up now. I know this is a panic thing for me, a point of contention in my relationship, this panic, gah!

It makes me write and spill my guts and cry. I can hardly handle it.

I cheesed it up last night and watched "The Notebook". This was potentially a bad move. I just cried and cried and sobbed at the love that was there between the two of them and the fact that they went through all of that together. The fact that there was 7 years apart and then they still came back together and stayed together. Forever.

They got years and years together. I want that. I want 50 years. I want to be with someone that I love that much and that I would do anything for like that for 50 years. Most of the time, I think that could definitely be him. But then I get so nervous about what my life would be like without him that I freak out and panic and usually run to him and talk myself stupid. And that always looks dumb.

And here I am... I just asked him a question and his response was "umm..." Naturally that puts me in a state again. An extra additional state of panic. God damn it. There is something wrong with me. I am in a constant wreck, a constant state of panic. Constant state of wondering what the hell we are doing and where the hell this is going and what is going to happen next. Every time I feel like I have some sense of security, something happens to put the kabosh on that.

Right now, its the "is he moving?" thing hanging over my head.


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