I wish he didn't make me edgy. I wish I didn't get butterflies every time he makes a funny face at me, every time he touches my leg, hand, cheek, neck... Loving him is so easy, even though I am not supposed to, at least not yet.

Things are undecided, indeterminate. I never know what he wants, or where I stand with him. The only thing I can tell is that he wants me. I can draw him in rather easily. I know how things work in our relationship, and I have learned how to subtly have him as I want him. I am proud of myself for getting to that point, as I was not sure that I ever would. I wish I had more control over my emotions with him.

That is the one thing that I still feel like I am missing. I want to have the emotional control over this whole thing again. Once upon a time, I did. Once upon a time I ruled this relationship, almost entirely. I wish I could sit and answer when he talked to me, rather than seek him out all the time. Once I did that. Once I had my walls up to him completely. When I did, he needed to knock them down. He had the desperate desire to break through them, knock them down, and take me for his own.

Its not like that anymore. Its the opposite. I mostly feel like if I shut down a little, put some walls back in place, maybe he would need me again. Maybe he would have to have me in his life. Maybe he would have the desire to take me for his own again.

But on the other hand, we cannot play that game for ever. And when does it stop. When will we be able to just be together, normal, and just be happy?


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