I was so trying to resist. Trying to resist saying good morning to him first. Trying not to worry about why he hadn't talked to me yet. Trying to be the strong, completely independent woman that I wish I was. And I can't do it. My heart races because I worry so much. Worried he does not like me or care about me and that is why he needs his "space". Or does he just really need some time away.

I worry when he is away from me. Worry that he is going to realize (somehow) that he is better off without me. I mean, not being near me has only produced a desire to be near me (see all of our prior breakups), but that really does not change any of my fears!

I think I am messed up about this relationship.

I hate feeling out of control (except in bed). And I do feel like I do not hold the cards in this relationship right now, and I hate it. I know that it is this way in a lot of relationships, and it is one of those things that shifts hands, but I am ready for it to shift to my hands. I am ready to be the one to hold all the cards or I am really ready for some semblance of a balance between the two of us.

Relating to that in bed thing above... I kind of had a little bit of a shock when we were in STL. J tied me up. With a t-shirt to the nightstand. I expected to love it as I love when he pins me to a wall, or holds me by the wrists above my head... It scared me though. It kind of scared me a lot. I am not sure what it was. Maybe he was being a little rough with me and there was nothing I could do to stop him (sometimes he needs to be very gentle as I am ultra sensitive as a result of a certain piercing). Or maybe it just reminded me too much of things that happened to me in the past. I have no idea. But to be scared? I never thought that would happen.

I want to try again though. Maybe with handcuffs or something rather than a t-shirt. Something smaller that at least gives me freedom to roll my wrists around a little. I had no ability to do that with the shirt. And it was tied so tightly to make sure that it was secure as well as giving it enough slack to go around the nightstand and have me completely on the bed. Hopefully if I throw handcuffs in, those issues will go away and I can just enjoy being ravished...

So maybe I will have to buy my red fuzzy handcuffs after all...


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