I haven't decided yet if today will be a better day or not. It is the last full day of my week since I have the bridal luncheon tomorrow, and then I am off for the wedding on Friday, so that is a good thing. I am just still feeling so stressed and so overwhelmed. It is kind of unbelievable. I am not sure what took me to this point this time (as I have certainly been here before) but I hate feeling like this.

If I were still with Chris or even with Jon, they would both be telling me the same thing now. And that is, "its a choice, Em, just choose to be happy, choose to be calm." and I just feel like it is not that simple for me. I mean, maybe it is, and I just do not know how to operate myself in a fully functional way or something, but it does not work for me to just say "I'm fine" and then be that. I just can't do it. Don't people think that if I could do that, and if it worked, I would? I mean, no one wants to feel the way that I do all the time.

I feel completely screwed up that I can't do as they suggest and just turn it off. I want to. I want to be normal and have fun and not have to worry about things. I want to not feel stressed out every time ... well, all the time. Because that is where I am at right now. I am feeling constantly stressed out. I am always overwhelmed. I often feel the need to run and hide under the covers or under my desk (there seems to be something about hiding underneath things right now). But I am also in that want to run around screaming and singing place. I think that place is called... mania?

I am in a bad, attention craving sort of place. I find myself texting the young'n, simply because I know that he will feed my ego, and I could use that sort of thing right now. I am beginning to wonder, am I feeling really down on myself, or do I actually have a huge ego? Hmmm... I think maybe it depends on the day. I do crave attention, which I think show a little of the manic side.

I have yet to be officially diagnosed as bipolar. I often wonder about that. It is something I think I might want to bring up to Dr. Merling at some point. Do I need a stabilizer in addition to my anti-anxiety, anti-panic type drugs? I don't know. Do I even want to be diagnosed? Yes and no. Reasons to follow.

YES:
1. I can begin to try and find that perfect blend of meds that will keep me somewhere in the middle.
2. I will finally have an honest and upfront explanation for why I tend to behave the way that I do, therefore, making me feel less guilty on those days when I don't function at all.
3. I can quit wondering and just learn to manage the disease.

NO:
1. Insurance is hard to get once you are diagnosed with a severe mental illness.
2. Will people who don't know me as well begin to judge me if they find out, for instance, men in my life?
3. If I am diagnosed, will I truly begin to consider myself as a crazy person? Will I truly BE a crazy person?

But I suppose it is better for me to know what is going on with my body and mind so I can properly treat it, regardless of what else I might have going on.

I don't know. I just really wish I knew what was going on with me and why I am feeling the way that I do so often lately.

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