I have once again completely managed to lose my focus. I am beginning to doubt my abilities in my career as well as in life. I am terrified of sinking into somewhere dark and deep as I have been so many times before.

But then, sometimes I drop some weight when I do that. Which is definitely something that I want to do more than anything else.

I actually came out to EM last night and told her it was time for operation starve. Of course, that caused her to freak a little bit as expected. But I figured if anyone would understand, it would be her. After all, she comes from quite the similar background.

The more we learn about each other, the more we really seem to be twins. We have a ridiculous amount of things in common. I really love her.

I am feeling ridiculous. I am depressed, down in the dumps, and want to crawl in a hole and disappear at the same time that my mind and thoughts are racing, and I don't (can't) sit still. I don't know what that means, but I am feeling really screwed up right now. It seems unusual to have two things that are such polar opposites going on in my head at the exact same time. It does not seem like that should be allowed.

At lunch I am going to take a walk down to the library in hopes that maybe being outside and going for a walk will help to clear my head. I have absolutely no idea if that will work or not, but I figure it might be worth a try, right?

I sent a panicked email to my mother, which I am now deeply regretting, because I hate having other people know how freaked out I get. I have become a perfectionist at hiding whatever it is that is wrong with me. I don't even really want to hide it. I want to scream out loud at anyone and everyone who could or would care to hear me. I want to sit and cry. I want to run around and never stop. I want to throw myself into someone's arms sobbing until I can figure out what it is that I am supposed to be doing with my life.

I thought I knew. I really did. I thought this was it.

Could I have been wrong? Could I truly not be cut out for this public accounting world? Could I really not be management material the way that everyone has always been telling me that I am? I am really just a complete fuck-up? Cause that is how I have been feeling for quite some time now. Pretty much since I wasn't good enough for Chris. Even though I know that he is not a good man, especially not for me, the whole thing has made me feel like a failure. I failed at that, therefore, I fail at life.

Something is wrong with my brain.


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