I have been spending some time thinking... trying to decide if I actually hate Chris for everything that has happened. Trying to decide if I blame him for a lot of my falling apart, at least a chunk of it. Trying to decide if because of the ridiculous amount of devotion that I gave to him I lost it at work, I felt like I needed to be thinner, I was stressed beyond myself all the time.

Its frustrating to me. He is frustrating to me.

On the bright side, I am going to the opera tonight, which I am very excited about. I am also having a drink with Ben afterwards, which is also fantastic. I am starting to like him quite a lot, and I don't mind that at all... But if I don't get kissed tonight I am going to be mad. Its time for a kiss, I think.

Tonight will be our 5th date. Phil kissed me for the first time after the 3rd. So its time. Granted, with Ben there is a much stronger possibility that the kiss will turn into a full blown make-out which could lead me back to his apartment, etc. At least, that could be nice. And I would definitely be up for it.

But no sex. Not the first time. We could make out all night and then cuddle until morning, but no sex. Because.... I got my period! Hooray! No more worrying about what was going on with John the firefighter, as cute as he was, because there is no way I was ever going to see that guy again, and so I didn't want a part of him to permanently be a part of me.

So today will be a better day... I hope!

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