food and sex

So yes, I am recovering. I am thoroughly making a good effort to become the woman that I really want to be. I have been making a huge effort lately to condense my life into a calendar/ task list/ organizer in the form of my blackberry. With my new job, they allow me enterprise email access on the Blackberry, and so I have had that all the time now, which has helped me with the calendar/condensing stuff.

I have been trying to make lists of goals and subgoals lately that will hopefully help me to be the best and strongest possible woman that I can be.

I am getting healthy weight-wise, which is a good thing, but it is also a scary thing for me. As anyone with an eating disorder knows, it is really tough to gain weight back, even though you know that you need to basically in order to survive. I hate it, it makes me miserable, but I know how important it is. So I have added a new goal for myself which is related to my weight. It is something that will hopefully keep me at a healthy weight, but at the same time, will also make sure that I am feeling okay about my weight, and myself.

I am going to begin keeping strict track of what I eat. I am going to do some research on what kind of ratios to be eating foods in, meet food goals daily and track everything on or fitday PC. Here are the goals relating to food/weight as I see them:
1. Maximum of 1800 calories per day
2. track all food and exercise on fitday or fitday pc
3. wear heart rate monitor when exercising
4. minimum 8 glasses of water per day
5. max of 30% calories from fat
6. max 15% of calories from alcohol (some days will be an exception on this one!)
7. exercise minimum of three days per week (dance rehearsal counts as one day)

So that is a big one for me. I am feeling like crap about the gain.

But like I said, unrelated to the food thing, I have finally been able to move on. I don't know that I am "over" Chris, I don't know that I will ever be completely over him. But on the other hand, I am okay now. I am ready for something new. I am finally comfortable enough with me and the breakup that I feel like maybe I CAN be in another relationship. And I might even be ready for that, or at least to take the steps to find a potential suitor or two who might be interested in possibly thinking about a relationship once we get to know each other and come to that mutual agreement or whatever.

I have found a potential candidate. We will call him B. He is a professor of music at a nearby university and is an opera singer. We have been on 2 dates so far and had an amazing time. We also have talked on the phone fairly regularly, and I feel like we are getting to know each other pretty well. I am really liking him, so I am hopeful that he feels similarly.

But of course, I being me, am already falling into sabotage mode. I am already feeling afraid that since he didn't call me yesterday he must not like me anymore. I don't know why I am always doing that. We have only been on two dates so far! I shouldn't expect to hear from someone that I have only been on two dates with so far to call me daily. I shouldn't. I need to wrap my head around all of this as easily as possible. I need to remember the way that men work and that it is okay, that I am ok.


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