Soul Outpouring

Last night when I talked to Chris on the phone, I let out more feelings than I even knew I was harboring. We had decided we were going to speak about the sex thing last night in some additional detail. I had kind of made that mandatory, because let's be honest, that is kind of a dealbreaker for me. I have already been in the sexless relationship and I am certainly not up for doing that one all over again.

I had laid down the gauntlet and basically said, if you think this is how things are going to continue to be, you should just tell me now, because then I can get out before I fall in too deeply. I felt like that was what I needed to say and how I really feel, as much as I do care about him and want to be with him.

So that was how the conversation started with him saying that it isn't what he intends and he never intended it to be like this. In my mind, you know, that's fine, but then something has to change.

I ended up pouring my heart out then about everything beyond the sex. I talked about how hard I try to be perfect, to do those little things so he might notice me. How I get up every morning to pack his lunch and bring him little gifts all the time and everything just hoping that maybe he will open his eyes just once and see me looking at him. And I do do that. I feel like even though we are spending a ton of time together, we aren't actually spending any time together. He is never really there. His head is always somewhere else.

I told him that he really needs to put all of those other things out of his mind when he is with me, he needs to focus on me when we are spending time together. I told him that I understood that he has some obligations that he has made for himself relating to his properties, etc, and it makes sense that there would be some responsibilities that go along with that. I mean, he is the manager of all of these places! But when we are spending time together, I need him to focus on me. I need him to put aside all of the stresses that he might have about whatever the hell else is going on in his life, because I am there, and I am trying to be a part of his life.

I feel like, in a lot of ways, if he could do that, then the rest, the sex, will follow suit. He said once that he is stressed out, which is why he hasn't felt up for the sex, and everyone handle stress differently, blah blah blah. Sure, that is all true. But, if he would just let everything go and enjoy his time with me, then the stress would leave him, even for just a little while, and then maybe our physical relationship would step up a little.

I told him that I can tell he isn't noticing me or isn't paying attention to me because if I try and talk to him, even if we are just in bed watching politics, it will take him 10 seconds to respond to me, and then it is usually just with a "what?" When I told him that, I think he started to get it. I think he started to feel really bad. Of course, that is not what I wanted. I just wanted him to see and understand where I am coming from on the whole thing. I mean, I have kind of a lot of things that I need, and I had hopes that a boyfriend, in the form of Chris, might be able to help me with that.

So here's to hoping that he did actually hear me last night, and that he really will be trying to help.

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