Sheer frustration

The work thing is getting to me. I have been trying really hard to revamp my plans, to accept the inevitable lack of promotion this summer and the fact that someone who I bought into the firm is going to be getting one over me, but I just can't. I work really hard. I have the most experience. I am the most versatile. I have brought in business (what other staff can say they have done that?)

How can I not be getting it?

I keep trying to think, "it's only one miss, it's only one year. It shouldn't change the overall goal." And I know that is the truth. But the fact that I am going to be answering to someone with less experience... someone that I brought in to the company... That just sucks.

People say to me, "Emily, you're not a loser. You're only 24 years old and you have a high paying career that you love, a master's degree, 2 and a half years of relevant work experience (05. years at CSC, 0.5 years as an intern here, and a year and a half full time here), there are so many people who have not even close to that!" And again, maybe that is true.

But I have worked my ass off. Ever since I left X and realized I had zero desire to be a music teacher, I have worked my ass off. Although I transferred schools several times, I managed to finish my undergraduate degree in 4 years through semesters of 21 and 22 credit hours plus summer school. I more or less got a 4 year degree in 2.5 years, because of changing majors and having pretty much zero viable credits from X. I got a very difficult masters degree in 1 year while working full time.

I have worked hard at this job ever since coming on board. I have done nothing short of devoting myself to this company and my work. Every one has an off time. A time where their focus is a little bit lacking. And after so much stress, so much hard work, I had one of those myself last summer while I was working in the theatre. I had a time, when things were not at all busy at work, where I let myself slip. Apparently.

To this day, I don't know what I did wrong. No matter how many times I sit in the captain's office and ask the question, or how many lunches I have had with Carol, I don't know what was wrong. I feel like I did my work to the best of my ability even then, when they said I was dropping.

I don't know what else I can do. I have been working hard since then to try and show them that they were mistaken about me, but it is really hard to work hard, when you don't have any work to do.

Honestly, these are the big reasons that I have been considering moving. I haven't even been given a chance here. There is not enough work to go around, as is. So what is a girl to do?
I keep dwelling on it all the time. I have stopped mentioning it to Chris because of our "try not to be stressed around each other, because it brings the other down" resolution. And he has been nothing but supportive, which is wonderful, but he has been encouraging me to just re-evaluate/re-adjust my goals. And like I said, I am trying to do that, I have just had very little success at actually achieving such a goal.

It is a huge priority in my life, obviously, or I wouldn't continue to dwell on it.

I am just so frustrated with it all.


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