Nasty day

It is nasty as hell outside now. It snowed a bit last night, and then ended with rain which froze over this morning. At least, that is how it looks out there to me. I made it to work on time and safely, and so did Chris, and that is what matters, I think.

I sent him a message asking him to let me know when he got there so I would know he is safe. He did. And I told him that I just wanted to be sure since I care about him and he is my favorite and all that. He said that I was also his favorite. And that is cheesy as hell, I am well aware, but I like it just the same. It makes me happy.

I have a cold. I hate to admit that I am sick, but I am. My head is achy, my nose is terribly gross, and I have started the coughing, which tends to be the worst for me. When I get a cough, it can be really bad. I hack for days. Months even. I am going to try really hard and get on some vitamin C, take cough drops and nyquil as needed, and stay on top of this thing so it does not get any worse.

Chris was denying me some love yesterday as a result of the cold. He wouldn't kiss me on the mouth. I hate that. We just got through him having a cold sore so I couldn't kiss him, and now I have a cold so he won't kiss me. That sucks. We only got in like three days of good kissing before I got sick.

I wish the sex life would come back. I am beginning to feel a little desperate here. I mean, it has been a while, and he says its not me. I have a hard time believing that, of course, because apparently it WAS me in my last relationship. Jon, my ex, apparently was no longer attracted to me and that is why we never had sex. So of course now, when Chris is feeling a little off, it completely makes me feel like it is all my fault.

I feel like he isn't attracted to me or he doesn't desire me or something. And I hate that feeling. He denies it and says that has nothing to do with it. He says he is just not feeling all that sexual. I HATE IT! It just makes me feel bad and insecure. Especially when we are talking about the thing with Jon and he says, "Was he sleeping with someone else?" Naturally, that is enough to make a girl suspicious, so I say, "Are you sleeping with someone else?" He says no, of course he isn't.

But seriously, the whole thing has me rather worked up. Our relationship is wonderful, aside from that. I am just truthfully not sure how much longer I can take it to be completely honest about it.

I just told him that. I told him it makes me feel ugly, and insecure. And it truthfully does make me feel that way, which is a terrible way to feel. I am sure that he will have no response to that message, because it is apparently annoying and bothersome to him. But because it truly is a big deal to me, I feel like it is something that he needs to hear.

I have decided. I am not going to stick around for a year or more again for someone who doesn't even love me, who doesn't even desire me. I just cannot subject myself to that again.

I am trying to be calm, but of course, I want to cry about it.


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