Day 1, a new place....

Ahh, yes, Thursday. I am definitely looking forward to tomorrow. It has been a very long, very stressful week at my office. I haven't been working late or anything, I just feel like there has been so much going on, so much going through my head. I have had an extremely difficult time focusing on any project for any length of time. I have been extremely high stress, and very edgy, which has presented me with all kinds of troubles.

But here we are, just beginning the busy season push, and I am already overwhelmed with what is going on.

On Monday, I had a panic attack. I don't know what caused it, as I usually only get them when I am in a really big crowd or something. I think I was just feeling overwhelmed with the amount of work I was trying to do. The weird part is, it is not like I have a ton of work on my desk right now. I think it was the fact that I had been looking at one thing for the last several days, and I didn't feel like I was getting a whole lot of anywhere on it. That is the kind of thing that stresses me out. I really like to be very productive, and I just wasn't feeling it on Monday.

I basically broke down at the time, and Chris almost came downtown to pick me up and put me to bed, I was feeling so bad.

He suggested that I go and talk to my boss about everything that I have been feeling at work lately, because after all, he is a partner in this firm, and he also is a close friend of mine, so he is definitely a good person to be talking to.

I actually had to schedule a meeting to talk to him. I was in his office for an hour that afternoon. We talked, we laughed, I cried. I didn't mean to have such a complete breakdown in front of him, as he is one of those kind of people that I would absolutely prefer to be 100% strong in front of. I mean, I have major career goals, and for the next couple of years, he is going to do a lot of the dictating relating to whether or not I achieve these goals.

I learned that it is highly unlikely that I will be getting that promotion that I want at work this year. Apparently, during the summer, there was too much of a slip-up, when I was busy and stressed about my family life, ending 4-year relationship, playing the lead in Oklahoma!, and starting a new relationship . I blew 2 years worth of work in just 2 months. That is terrible.

It breaks my heart that I am not getting it. It throws a kink into my ten-year plan, which involved making partner at this firm. I guess it will just shift everything back.

When I told Chris that it broke my heart to not get it, I think it might have broken his heart a little. He had the saddest look on his face. He was the one who has been encouraging me to not let it get me down, and just to adjust my plans by a year. He keeps saying how young I am, how I shouldn't worry about this yet, how there are plenty of people ten years older than me who aren't as stable in their careers or make less money, or whatever. I know that it is probably true, but I am still feeling discouraged. It is a very difficult time for me at work right now, and I am feeling under enormous pressure.

Chris has been here for me so much though. I know he hates when I cry, and I certainly have been doing a lot of it.

I sent him a text yesterday, early, that simply said, "I don't want us to argue anymore. I just want us to be happy together." And he agreed. I think we are really going to make an effort to be happy, to not fight, to love each other, and to be together. I am really happy about that.

Last night we went to the gym for our legs and shoulders workout. It was a really good one. Chris broke a sweat just by the lifting, and I was feeling our every move. It was a little different than the ones that I usually do, but definitely effective. I added in a hip exercise, because I know that I need to work on strengthening my hips pretty badly. After my near spill doing squats with a trainer once, I have been trying hard to add muscles to my hips.

I am still considering becoming a trainer, although I am not sure when I will have a chance to do so. I really need to focus on the CPA exam. I would like to do both the personal trainer test and the CPA this year. I mean, I had goals/resolutions for the year, and one of them has already been blown (my promotion), so I need to be able to accomplish everything else that I wanted, I think.

God, I am just so flustered about this whole job situation. Can you blame me?


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